SPORTS

 

            Baseball spring training is in full force in western Massachusetts. The Berkshire County Saloon League teams have been working out up and down the Route 7 corridor, with most of the media attention centered on the Sheffield hockey rink where the Sheffield Bloodthirsty Coyotes and the Pittsfield Rabid Coyotes have been sharing space during the colder weather.

            These two rivals ran neck and neck for the championship last season, with the Pittsfield team coming out on top. And even the most casual observer will remember the heroics of Pittsfield shortstop Scooter Musnicki, who was named the league’s Most Valuable Player.

            But Scooter Musnicki has not reported for duty yet. He cannot walk without the help of crutches. Five of his toes are infected as a result of gerbil bites.  

            That’s right, I said gerbil bites.

Just before Scooter Musnicki’s sensitive, homeopathic girlfriend left town for a month-long, melaleuca oil seminar in Idaho Falls, Idaho, she surprised Scooter with a little gift. She gave him a Mongolian free-range gerbil to keep him company while she was gone.

            “Why the hell are you holding a rat, honey?” asked Scooter Musnicki, when his homeopathic girlfriend presented him with the gerbil.

            “It’s not a rat,” she said.

            “Well, whatever it is, go flush it down the toilet before it gets loose.”

            Scooter soon learned that the gerbil would be his new friend until his sensitive, homeopathic girlfriend returned from her trip. The Mongolian, free-range gerbil, he was told, is a low maintenance companion, requiring a few sunflower seeds and water each day. And the cute, cuddly rodent must be allowed the same house privileges as a dog or cat: no cage, no confinement…free range.

            By the time Scooter Musnicki’s sensitive, homeopathic girlfriend reached her melaleuka oil seminar in Idaho Falls, Idaho, he devised a plan to skip baseball spring training with the help of the gerbil.

He hated the idea of spring training. Why should he bother? He was, after all, the reigning MVP of the Berkshire County Saloon League. He had the natural, God-given ability to just show up on opening day of the regular baseball season, snap into form and pick up where he left off last year.

He knew it. His sensitive, homeopathic girlfriend knew it. And now, after a long conversation with his new companion, the gerbil knew it.

            So, on the first night with the gerbil in the house, Scooter Musnicki proceeded with his scheme to put himself on the disabled list and avoid wasting his time practicing with his teammates.

It was an old trick that his father told him about. His father, who was among the first wave of longhaired, tie-died, peacenik, hippie-dippy, flower children in the 1960’s, was drafted into the war in Vietnam. On his first night in a headquarters battalion hootch, Scooter’s father smeared C-ration peanut butter between his toes and went to sleep. In the morning, the peanut butter was gone and his toes had some good rat bites on them. So long, Vietnam.

            Like father, like son, Scooter Musnicki spread his trans fat free peanut butter on the toes of his left foot, popped a couple of Seraquel sleep agents and settled in for a long night’s rest.

            First thing in the morning, Scooter inspected his toes. No peanut butter, lots of gerbil bites.

            And with equal amounts of apathy and neglect, the gerbil-bitten toes became infected, much to the delight of shortstop Scooter Musnicki. The Pittsfield Rabid Coyotes baseball team physician checked things out and gave Scooter permission to stay home and heal for the duration of the spring training session.

            Meanwhile, the rookie shortstop filling in for Scooter is turning a lot of heads. Great defense. Good slap hitter. Lean, mean and…female.  A twenty-two year-old young woman from Slapdash, Massachusetts named Nellie Foxx. Already, people are saying: “Scooter who?”