LOST & FOUND

 

Over 2,000 women in the Greater Backfish area are about to lose their names.

The Massachusetts Department of Overused Names has determined that there are too many women named Debbie in the state and action much be taken to alleviate the problem.

There are exactly 59,632 Debbies in the Bay State and that, according to a high official at the Department of Overused Names, is “just plain cockeyed.”

So, by means of a statewide lottery, half of the Debbies will be assigned a new name, and that name will be Sacajawea.

A quick Google search shows that there are 2,197 Debbies in Greater Backfish, which includes the towns of Backfish, Barbell, Cracklefoot, Slapdash and Tailspin.

So far, not one of those Debbies has come forward to pick a new name.

Will these women be penalized if they don’t comply?

“You better believe they will,” said Jennifer Jessica Spoljaric, Commissioner of Overused Names.

In a recent telephone interview, Commissioner Spoljaric warned that each Debbie who has been singled out has until the end of this month to change her name or else her cable service will be cut off, which means she won’t be able to watch Desperate Housewives and Oprah; she will have a computer chip implanted into her armpit, which will redirect her political hypnotism from Hillary Clinton to Rudy Guillani; and she will be forced to surrender her cheerleader’s outfit.

Massachusetts Senator Edward Kennedy suggested employing a measure of sensitivity to all the undecided Debbies. “Let them have as much time as they need to register with one of those new names with less consequence,” the senator said.

“It’s one thing to lose your name, but these proposed penalties are much too harsh. Perhaps the Department of Overused Names will reconsider and enforce only forfeiture of TV service and the redirection of political brainwash. But requiring these Debbies to give up their cheerleader’s outfits is simply the wrong thing to do.”

This just in: a compromise has been reach between the Department of Overused names and Senator Kennedy. Any woman in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts named Debbie who can prove that she has never owned a cheerleader’s outfit will not have to change her name to Sacajawea.

One very militant Debbie from the town of Tailspin was asked how she felt about the issue.

“Look, cowboy, I was born Debbie and I’m gonna die Debbie,” the feisty, Tailspin Debbie declared, as men in black suits and dark glasses observed her from an unmarked car. “Let them try to catch me.”

And with that, the Tailspin Debbie jumped in her white Bronco and led the men in black on a high-speed chase.

  

The McKee Foods Corporation, makers of Little Debbie Cakes, has announced that they will try to make the transition easy for the disenfranchised Massachusetts Debbies by introducing their new name into the mainstream by way of tasty treats. New product names at McKee Foods will now include Little Sacajawea Honey Buns, Little Sacajawea Fruit Pies and Little Sacajawea Pecan Spinwheels.

All things considered, this seemingly indignant elimination of selected Debbies might just turn out to be a blessing in disguise.

Significant others of Debbies who lose their name in the lottery ought to consider the benefits of having a main squeeze with such an exotic new name. Think about taking a long walk on the beach, holding hands with the woman formerly known as Debbie, and being inspired to say: “Isn’t this wonderful, Sacajawea?”

Or maybe the two of you are snuggled up in front of the fireplace with a glass of wine and a Phillies blunt, and you find yourself cooing: “I adore you, Sacajawea!”

And imagine rolling around on the Posturepedic and blurting out:”Oh, oh, oh…Sacajawea!!!”

Oh, yes. Sometimes you lose and sometimes you find something better.