DATE IN HISTORY

 

On this date in history, we celebrate a milestone in the annals of Americana. This day is set aside to respectfully acknowledge those distinguished women tightly woven into the fabric of our culture, who have experienced lousy, failed matrimonial relationships.

They have boldly moved on because they are strong. Strong, progressive women. No whining or pouting or moping or wallowing in the muck.

No, not these gutsy goddesses. They will not waste a minute of their lives shackled to the awful memories connected with mistakes of the past.

Yes, that stereotypical, rat basket case husband--he screwed up your life like six different cancers. But you found a way out and you turned the page, didn’t you. And look at you now. Good as new. Hell, better than new. You look marvelous.

So, in recognition of all the die-hard female survivors of the untold billions of miserably rotten marriages, unquestionably made miserable and rotten by the miserable, rotten men involved, well, this date in history has been declared Ex-Wives Day.

It has been suggested that all ex-husbands pay tribute to their ex-wives on Ex-Wives Day by getting a small “X” tattooed on their butts, the “X” being shorthand for ex-wife. And it should be a red “X” so it will look organic, like something relative to blood.

Then if a naked ex-husband with the small, red “X” tattooed on his butt is asked: “Dude, what’s that weird, little thing right there on your backside?” The ex-husband can say: “Oh, I slipped in the tub and landed on my pirate ship.”

Or: “I was playing with my grandson and he stabbed me with his switchblade.”

Or: “Ah, it’s just a little ringworm back there. I got it under control.”

In other words, the small, red “X” tattoo on the ex-husband’s butt is personal. A secret salutation to the best thing he ever had, his ex-wife. Too bad he botched it up. But now he’ll carry her memory forever, close to his heart. Right there where the sun don’t shine.

Now, let us toast this historic calendar date. Ex-Wives day. And take heed, good ladies. Don’t get fooled again, unless it’s Johnny Depp or Angelina Jolie or whoever your ideal, well-heeled, dreamy dreamboat may be. That certain someone, nearly as perfect as yourself, worth the gamble with marriage vows again. Or not.

It’s your day to shine, honey bunny, so have a happy, happy, happy Ex-Wives day.